I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
