ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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