She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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