My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize