It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
they're like a gay fantastic four
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
