If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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