We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
