I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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