I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
