then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
