I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
