literally had 100 drinks last night.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Randomize
