I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize