I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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