I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
