tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
