I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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