so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
