Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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