I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
