Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
