I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
