i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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