She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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