I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
