Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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