What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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