Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
