Well douche your snatch and let's go!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
