i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
