Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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