I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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