The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
