I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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