Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
