So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
