tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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