and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just threw up on my dentist
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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