bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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