my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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