She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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