I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
