Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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