you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
