I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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