Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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