So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
