I hate your face
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
