i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
