I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize