why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
