am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
