I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
